A Key Epiphany

The loml recently pulled way back, reducing contact and, when in contact, conveying a largely Platonic and friendly, but not particularly affectionate or effusive tone. This is maybe the 8th time or so that this has occurred over the past 14 months. I have previously written here about attachment styles and attachment disorders, with the three main categories being secure (like, "healthy"), avoidant (ghosting) and anxious (pursuing, usually, although there's also fearful avoidant). 

What got cut off in the bottom left panel is "sees relationships as a burden"

My default behavior whenever anyone from whom I want love and affection withdraws is to pursue. 

That's the epiphany. 

I also withdraw, usually when I feel guilty or when I feel like a piece of shit and I don't deserve love. I have been with women who have pursued me and I've been with women who withdraw when I do. 

But when I want the love and affection of a woman, and she disappears or becomes cold and distant, I pursue like a motherfucker. I try a lot of different kinds of pursuit. Jokes, intelligence, music, poetry, romance. I might even redouble my affectionate comments. Sometimes the woman responds, sometimes not. Sometimes they withdraw even more. Sometimes I lose all self esteem and almost get to the level of begging and pleading. 

But of course, then I get angry. Humiliated. I can even go into attack mode. You always, you never. I fail to realize in these resentful and angry phases that I myself brought about the dynamic. I am in fact angry at myself without knowing it. And as is often the case, right under that anger, I'm hurt. I want to be worth a woman's time. I want a woman who wants to interact with me. For whom interacting with me is not a burden or a chore, but something they look forward to and revel in. My feelings get hurt when I am snubbed, cooled off, avoided or ghosted. I think this is perfectly normal, so to speak. But the impulsive tendency to pursue and woo is toxic and self destructive, to varying degrees.

Here's a cool chart of the different communication dynamics:

Of course, I think most relationships are dynamic, and traverse all of these styles at different times. 

But yesterday, for example, I offered some affectionate support, availability and the action of love, and the reply was "Thanks, PH." So that's dismissive. I feel that my affection was at a normal level in response to what had been communicated to me. I felt that the curt, "Thanks, PH" response was greatly reduced, much lower affect. I guess this is why I would characterize it as dismissive. This kind of interaction is quite common between me and the loml. It is problematic because it hurts my feelings regularly, but she is not able or willing to adjust her style. So I either have the choice of getting razored regularly and bleeding out, or pulling back and stopping. 

A friend of mine mentioned the gentle inquiry. "I've noticed you seem cool and distant or unavailable. Do you feel like talking about that?" The efficacy of this is obvious. The barrier to it is clear to me also: it means admitting that I care and making a request for more contact, which is a form of vulnerability, of course. The loml might just say, "Nope, can't be more available." In my denial, that's often a reality I am unwilling to be reminded of. 

Many other dynamics are probably at play with all of this. It feels primal and core. 

I am practicing withdrawing to a level calibrated to the other person's withdrawal. I directly asked the loml what felt safer and more comfortable for her when she withdraws and she said it's better for me to withdraw as well. This is a golden opportunity to get into a skill I have rarely practiced, especially in equanimity. I have rage quit or sulked, spitefully withdrawn or overreacted in a variety of other ways. 

The practice is: stop pursuing and chasing. If someone wants to interact with you, they will. If they don't want to, and they don't choose to, go do something else. Also, don't overreact. If they send you a joke or something but don't seem to want to interact, don't. Don't take a slight interaction as an opening for a Niagra Falls of affection. 

But maintain lovingkindness and a lack of rancor. Work on detaching with love. Let go, but don't sulk. 

Pretty much exactly contrary to my training. It feels impossible in the welter of emotions. I also have to accept that sometimes, the anger is protective anger. It seems to assist me in also withdrawing. I imagine the range of my feelings are useful and acceptable, as long as my behavior is accountable.