Conversations on levels, pain all the way down

I had a horrible experience yesterday where I commented on a FB post that was about the marked tendency for older men to be with younger women by focusing on the data collection and analysis parts of the study cited in the original post. It was a horrible experience because it all completely fell apart and devolved into me being called out for my own preference for younger women, and became not about data or analysis at all, but about my own ageism, misogyny, sexism and my preferences being part of the problem. 

I think the bigger the blind spot, the more painful it can be to have bright light cast on it. My inventory, as repeated a couple of times by the person calling me out, is obvious. After my first marriage, I have never been with a woman my own age. All of my romances have been with women who are younger. A couple women were not all that much younger, but as I got older, the age gap grew. 

Look at this stock photo of a happy looking couple?

I guess if a person with whom I am not involved had pushed me to acknowledge that I am the exact stereotype and my relationships have been pretty much archetypal old guy/significantly younger woman for the past several years, it might have been less painful. But it was the loml who called me out on it, with whom there is a significant age gap. Deep down in a lot of places for myself, I have been acutely aware of getting older, and I've been imagining, without even realizing it, being rejected due to my age. So the encounter stirred up all of that anxiety and lack of confidence, and then stirred up my indignation as a supposed ally of women. 

It didn't help that I had had terrible nightmares the night before of the loml never wanting to speak to me again and I had neglected to eat and was teaching for 6 hours as the interaction unfolded. And that the major reminder of possible prostate cancer has been working me over for weeks, and that that particular cancer is yet another blow to not only one's sense of being "young-ish," but also directly to one's masculinity. And that the biopsy itself was invasive and humiliating. And that I have a goddamned cold sore on my upper lip. And every time I look in the mirror I'm shocked by my rapidly emerging grey hair, the lines on my face, and how haunted I look lately. 

So the setup was perfect for me to melt down. I still feel gutted today. I'm at least able to drop the defensiveness and face facts. I reflecting more carefully why I haven't been with women my own age, interrogating my preferences. I think the pat answers aren't very helpful. One of the things the loml reminded me of was some disparaging comments I have made about my age group and the women in it. I want to look at that attitude and dismantle whatever my resentments are. I want to understand my preference and where it comes from. 

Preferences are what they are, to start with anyway. And the hope of falling in love or even simply being attracted to someone "ethically" is hilarious. The heart has its reasons that reason knows not. But I know also that preferences can be interrogated and new awareness can lead to expanded preferences. I think the inventory around this will be quite liberating, way down here in Hades, which is the perfect place to do such work. 

And I think from a more wide perspective, it's important for me to remember that there are often two or even more conversations going on. There is the superficially apparent conversation and then there is the real conversation that is running along under there. For me to respond in a clueless way to the loml's post about the discriminatory age gap of older men with younger women, by focusing on intellectual aspects of the research, is fundamentally just another way of saying #NotAllMen, which is so fucking tiresome.