Nearly a Year

Ye Olde Blogge turns one year on March 6th. 202 posts (well, 203 if you count this one, which, why not?)

On Facebook a year ago today I wrote this:

"It's oceanic, transcendent bliss being the number one for a love and romance addict. There's nothing like being someone else's fix, the embodiment of that total rush and the alpha and omega of their existence. But when the high wears off be ready to be set aside, as soon as a new fix comes along. Because it was never about you at all- it was about the fix itself the whole time. And there you were with your own ego so flattered by being the center of someone else's obsession. Well, when you're irrelevant because you don't provide the required rush anymore and someone "new" does, good luck with that."

I was referring to A's sudden falling in love with her paramour and ghosting me, but it's kind of hilarious, because, as revealed in extensive inventory and step work since, it fits me like a glove in many of my past situations. 

It's been weird going back through the Facebook posts from the breakup around this time last year. I felt self-righteous, victimized, pissed off, sad, and hounded by obsessive thoughts of A with her new paramour. Of course, on March 3 of last year, I was only a couple days out of the situation, and truly headed for one of the worst stretches of my life, so I guess I can forgive a little bit of victim mentality. My sense of having been deeply wronged continued for several weeks, if I remember correctly— probably until around the beginning of June, on and off, which, well, is 12 weeks innit. 

I think making friends with Pluto has involved getting rid of the victim mentality and getting real about who I was, what I did, who I am now and how I have created everything myself, or at least, how I have choices in how to respond. Pluto seems a lot friendlier when he doesn't have to play bad cop. If I'm accepting of the ride through hell, then everything goes a lot more smoothly. 

I'm not entirely sure what I mean by "becoming friends with Pluto," but it mostly seems to center on letting go of everything, remembering that one can only travel very lightly through Hades, cultivating a devoted and meditative attitude, sitting with the initial discomforts of solitude in order to enter into nourishing solitude, not being surprised when waves of dark upon dark upon dark wash through my life. As well as venturing into the unconscious and having a dream life again, which has definitely been the case, after a long stretch of not remembering my dreams. 

Another aspect of it though is taking responsibility for my reality. I have been completely released from that gutting feeling of being a victim, of having been wronged, of having been thrown under the bus. I've regained a sense of being the locus of what is happening in my life, not a passive victim with the malevolent locus far outside. 

One thing is certain: it's incredibly wild how much has transpired in only one year. I feel like I have been challenged in every way, every day, for the whole year, in areas that are close to or at my very core identity and purpose. That is how intense this year looks in review. 

But it seems like it is finally unstuck in many ways, and there's a chance that the winding way goes toward or proceeds from a center.