The Currency

"I think about you all the time."

That's cool, but I am not a mind reader.

Even in the best of connections, where there is a lot of intuitive knowing, mind reading is a toxic expectation

"You are important to me."

Funny but I often seem to be last or near last on the list. Or an afterthought on a side list that is on the side of the list. Or an area of your life that you have to set aside, because you are living a real life that I am not in. 

"I would like to communicate more, I'm just busy."

Very fine intentions. And I know you're busy. And I know why, and those are totally legit reasons. I respect the reasons you're busy. In fact, I spend a lot of time acknowledging the amazing things you do and the loving and intense ways you show up for others. But those reasons don't replace the space in which we could interact. 

"Here are all of the reasons I can't create space to interact with you:"

Here are all the reasons I don't find it satisfying what the reasons are, in the long run. Stand me up once and have a good reason, I'll get over it. Even a few times. That's how open and understanding I can be. But over and over and over as a general pattern where it feels to me like you are holding tight control over our interactions? I will eventually bail. I will eventually just not be able to believe or trust.  

Watching the movie with the sound off. That's it. Words don't mean much. Promises don't mean much. Intentions don't mean much. 

Action is the currency of love. Action is the currency of love. Action is the currency of love. 

Not: "what has this person said to you?" But: "what is this person able to do, what are they doing?"

Amazed by my tendency to make excuses for others because it is so important for me to believe that I am loved and that I hold a valued and respected position in people's lives. 

"It's okay man. You just don't get what you want. This person you want to be in relationship with just can't give you what you want, it's not possible, there's no room for concession. But you get to hear what you want a couple times a day at random intervals that are entirely up to the other person, and that's what matters! Besides, wanting this other person who is incredibly busy to interact with you, even to just throw you a pathetic little bone every now and then that just says, 'thinking of you' or 'I woke up with you on my mind' or 'I miss you and I'll talk later', well those expectations are just absurd man! And sure this other person can do it a few times and then just forget to do it, in spite of repeated requests, that's just how this other person is, this other person is just so busy! Even if you wake up every morning to absolutely nothing and go to bed many nights without any reliable communication or with the slimmest of indications, it's unreasonable to expect more!"

It's such horseshit. Unreasonable to expect more from an other person toward whom I have gone all in. Where I have made it clear I want all of it. Why do I do this to myself? I have ripped myself off for decades by settling for being second string, less than, an afterthought and being put on the back burner, but taking people at their word, that I am actually important. I end up being a goddamned sucker for a lot of people who know they don't have to work very hard to get with me because I'll just accept like one goddamned sentence a day. I end up trying a lot of different sick strategies to get reassurance or to get what I want. 

It's okay or even required for me to ask for what I want and when it is clear I am not going to get it, to move on. To withdraw, let go and accept that I am not going to get what I want and to reconfigure my investment accordingly.

I have been identifying my codependency as too much of a desire for interaction with people I love. That may well be a powerful part of it. But what is now waking up ferociously and stoking a blazing fire that I have to work constructively with is that another huge part of my codependency has been accepting less than what I want, sometimes accepting a fuck ton less. Because a). if I hold fast in my demands for more, I will be rejected and b). I am only loved to the degree that I can allow the other person to disappear on a regular basis and not be available. I have been judging my desire for reliable, sustained, trustworthy communication as being a codependent dysfunction. Clearly, this is not entirely the case. It's the way I want to relate. I want action. I don't want promises. I want a trustworthy and sustained connection. That's okay for me to want. 

I want to not take people at their word when their actions are contrary. Now what I want is the currency. Bring the currency of what you are saying. Show me through your actions. If you don't, then I will work on not believing your words. You can say whatever you want, but if I am worth less than your time, then I will conclude that I am worthless to you, I will feel worth less. It won't even matter why. Why just does not fucking matter. Why is a goddamned consolation prize. If you wish I didn't take it that way, too bad, that's how I take it, truth be told. I want to be in relationships with people who are trustworthy. I want to be in relationships with people who do love. Who show it in action. For whom I exist out here, hello, in the world. 

I want to have healthy and loving relationships that are about the currency. Not the promise. Not the excuse. Not the intention. Not the verbal reassurance behind which is behavior that looks like I am being ignored, taken for granted and put aside in favor of other things. 

"I am doing the best I can." I am absolutely certain that is true. And accepting that often means I have to alter, sometimes radically, my level of attachment, involvement, investment and expectation. Sure, the spiritual bypass says "just meditate and become like Buddha and let go and all shall be well." But I am also doing the best I can, and that means acknowledging the blood and guts of my humanity, and that means being honest that when you are repeatedly not available my feelings get hurt. Repeatedly. 

This is not a way I want to live my life. 

I want to work on having a firm boundary around what I put out into the universe, and make it a reflection of what shows up as reciprocation over the long haul. If you can only bring a few minutes of your time to my life every day, then that is all you are going to get in return. And the rest of the time, I am going to focus on areas where I am getting paid in currency. Where I am getting back to the degree that I am willing to give. Where I can trust that the scenario is trustworthy because it is reliable, focused, attentive and generous. These probably won't even be relationship scenarios. I have plenty to do as it is. 

I am generous with my time and energy. I pay attention and keep track of people's lives. I set aside time for people I love. I know these affirmations sound like I am leaning over toward martyrdom. "I do and do and do for you, and this is what I get?" But they are also a reflection of my relationship style. I show up. I make space for people I enjoy and care about. I pay attention and ask questions and open a channel for communication and then I stay on the channel. I notice. If someone I love makes a request, I do my best to honor it on a consistent basis. These are habits of mine when I am able to love through action. I tend to bring a lot of currency. 

I am choosing to interact at whatever level in relationship with people who are able to meet me where I am. TO DO the same. Not to say. Not to promise. Not to intend. TO DO. 

Action is the currency of love.