Humbled by Nonsense that Works

The year anniversary of the horrifying series of events of last year continues to unfold in odd ways. It hit me for the first time in a long time last night how bizarre yet commonplace (can those two co-exist? oddly, somehow, yes) it was that A fell in love with my first year college roommate. And how weird it was that she just stopped talking to me altogether for the entire month of February. And how I finally started getting counseling and saw a psychiatrist. 

I remember that for almost the entire month, I slept on the not particularly comfortable sofa in the living room. A had offered to switch and I turned her down, in retrospect I realize because I didn't want to sleep in our old bed. I was falling asleep out there on the sofa at about 2 and waking up at 5 every day all month. Most of the time, I was embarrassed to have A's kid find me out there, so I tried to get up before him. From February 1 to March 1 I lost 14 pounds. 

I managed to go through the motions of my daily life at ASU. Barely. The weirdest shit was yet to come, when I moved all of my stuff into storage on March 1 and floated for a few weeks, until I landed at an AA friend's. Well, I guess the summer was pretty weird too. 

Anyway, having just met with my counselor yesterday, I had a chance to compare where I was a year ago with where I am now. I've been disturbed by a return of some wild mood swings and darkness, but when I think back, I am on much, much more solid footing now. 

And here's the main reason: the crisis of my entire life back in February was essentially me hitting bottom with codependency. I absolutely felt that without the relationship with A, I would die. I would never be okay. And this triggered an avalanche of despair because it was a seemingly hopeless place I had been several times before. The basic idea being that, without a partnership and without love, I am a dead man. 

And the reality now is that I feel much more that, no matter what happens, I'll be okay. I might not be thrilled, I will surely suffer, I'll feel loneliness or abandonment, or I'll be stuck, or whatever. But I won't crumble, I won't die. The counselor asked why that has started to shift for me. I think it's because I have cultivated a relationship with myself. So now I have much more of the feeling that I am reliable for me. That I won't abandon myself, which is at least as important as trusting that another person won't abandon me. When the counselor first started suggesting that I work on my relationship with myself, I thought it sounded ridiculous. 

Cool CD cover bro

But it turns out it isn't. Or maybe it kind of is, but damn it, it's still helpful. Like the list of affirmations the couples counselor gave me back around this time. Ugh, what is this shit? But when I read through them, they actually help. That's humbling for sure. 

Instead of "we have met the enemy, and they is us," maybe it's more like, "we have made a friend, and he is us." The reassuring thing about this gradually developing friendship with myself is that it has the potential of never ending. I could make the commitment to never leave. Again, maybe that sounds moronic to some of you. But for a guy with mommy/abandonment/coda issues, it's gigantic. 

wow, just looking at this makes my skin crawl