Tender Heart

Since returning, so many associations and memories also have returned. This is one of those aspects of this Pluto/Moon transit, according to astrology. Intense memories, activation of old patterns, re-opening old wounds, with no hiding places and no superficial solutions or answers to be found. Not the sweet sort of nostalgic looking back, but the wildly dark, bloody, murky activation in the here and now of all of my unprocessed toxicity. 

Mind you, Percy is deeply skeptical about astrology. How could it possibly be accurate? Even though I've read everything Carl Jung ever wrote, and I do find his explanation of a projection of the unwavering contents of the collective unconscious to be at least somewhat persuasive, I still find myself raising an eyebrow. On the other hand, I have been astonished by the ways in which astrology, in particular natal chart symbolism and life transits, speaks to a lot of things actually happening. Synchronicity? Magic? Sheer coincidence? I don't know the whole story and I don't have to. 

But it's a powerful meditation on archetypal symbolism. Sometimes things that can't possibly be true, are. That's just the way it is. 

For example, talking with a professional astrologer friend of mine who did a free reading for me back in March, she said "well, the Pluto transit went exact on Feb. 27." And that was the date of A ending our partnership. And Cafe Astrology has this to say about that:

·         Emotionally and sexually rewarding relationships, intimacy.

·         Psychological healing.

·         Relationship problems, separation, manipulative behavior, jealousy and possessiveness.

·         Resistance to change and holding onto negative attachments.

·         Self-destructive behavior, obsessions.

·         Looking for truth and meaning.

·         Beginning new, intense relationships.

·         Psychological insight, intolerance for superficiality.

·         Soul-to-soul connections with new partners.

·         Fateful encounters, timely new relationships and/or separations.

·         Discovering one’s power.

·         Unloading burdens and obligations.

·         Increased focus, strength, and commitment.

·         Death and rebirth cycles.

·         Complex involvements.

·         Coming face to face with our deepest fears, and overcoming them.

A new interest in psychology and parapsychology

(not sure why Blogger can't just automatically format clipboard contents, but I don't have the time or interest in trying to rectify it)

For a while, from March through July 13 I guess, I was all like "Okay, so I underwent all the fucking destruction, now when do I get any of the good stuff, like soul-to-soul connection with a new partner?" Ha. 

Particularly since it is a Pluto transit over my natal Moon in Capricorn, square my ascendant, opposite my midheaven, also transiting Saturn-- all of this adds up to a lot going on, according to astrological symbolism, especially regarding my relationships with women. 

A typical example of this passage would be me, driving across Texas headed toward Fort Worth, realizing that, not only had I not really set about severing ties with A, but in many ways was still attached to many other partners from my deep and distant past. So I turned my attention to a severing meditation that popped into my imagination, visualizing actual cables or cords extending out to various other women, and actually cutting them with a knife-like wave of my sorcerer's hand, bleeding out a little, depending, but basically completely disentangling myself from ALL past attachments. Over, over, over. Gone. No more. Not present. Free, free, free. An energetic shift. 

I truly blossom in metaphor, so this kind of stuff has tremendous power for me. The meditation on cutting all connections with past partners felt profoundly effective. It was something I had not ever visualized or felt before. I always assumed grief took care of itself and. with the passage of time, all prior attachments would simply dissolve. No. Not for me. I was at first astonished to discover that old moldy awful rusted bloody cables were still extended and connected to some women from my past. Severing actually felt like a sharp pain followed by an ache in my gut and groin. Sex and death, death and sex. Pluto ftw. Psychosexual attachment-dectomies. 

In answer to all of this weird, dark, intense soul-heart type work, I have been tender to the utmost in my heart. It feels like there is actual pain in my chest a lot these days. Chest and gut. As bright and shining and exhilarating and inspired as new love and travels in the weird wild world have been, simultaneously, I have been diving way down into the most stagnant and repulsive and completely un-illuminated waters of myself. 

It's especially interesting because I am also wrestling with truly insane thoughts. For example, if new person is busy for a while and there's an extended silence, all of my old abandonment fears cascade in-- "that's it, I'll never hear from her again. It's over. She changed her mind. Who could blame her? I'm a waste of time anyway. I have nothing to offer. I was a fool to think someone like her could love me. I should just be alone and safe forever anyway. Alone and safe. Alone and safe." But even more interesting is that this tumble of dark and hateful, paranoid thinking is utterly *apparent* to me-- I'm conscious of it. It's not running under the surface like a shark, fucking with me, chomping my legs off by surprise. So, in the light of my awareness of it, I feel extremely uncomfortable with it, and I say to myself "Okay, this is just you being insane. It'll pass."

That's new for me. And, while it has served to illuminate very powerfully the insecurities and self hatred that have colored a lot of my more intimate interactions in the past, it also gives me hope. I'm developing a different kind of ground to stand on, where, no matter what another person does, I am still in my experience. CoDA really helps with this. Prayer (to I know not what) and meditation. Meetings. Counseling. Treatment for depression. 

It is becoming more clear to me that my habitual mode is to assume that everything other people do and say is about me. If a woman doesn't want to be involved with me anymore, of course that's because I am a worthless piece of shit. With the same level of fierce attachment, if a woman is interested in me, that's because I am amazing. I didn't realize so fully until this summer how truly codependent I can be when I am in my compulsion to have power over the feelings of others, to define my self-worth by what others think and to "earn love" or "deserve rejection." I am so very glad to be healing and recovering from these patterns, even if it sometimes feels like death.