Last Things First

My sister went across the street to visit with her motel and restaurant owning friends, and got into some vodka, and was 90 minutes late for dinner. I had already gotten into bed, figuring she would just go to her house when she got back. In her drunken state, she was ranting and rambling and very unpleasant to be around. I realized also that my misophonia has been an issue with her, as she is a very loud chewer, talks with her mouth full, makes a lot of smacking noises when she eats, and so on. It's probably just the normal level of eating sounds, but for me it's like nails on a chalkboard. I hadn't really consciously realized how unpleasant it is until last night, when I kept her company as she took an hour to drunkenly eat her dinner and talk too much. The other thing I only just consciously realized is that her preference for a sit down dinner at the table every night is wearing on me. It's not really my style. When I live alone, I usually eat standing up, scrolling on my phone. The direct human interaction over food is not a high value of mine. 

The other things that are unpleasant and/or annoying about her include her complete helplessness with technology, her combination of mild disabilities with no efforts to take better care of herself, her continuing to smoke in spite of being a laryngeal cancer survivor, her irascible, irritable, put upon victim attitude, and her know-it-all difficulties listening to anything I say. Haha. I think that about covers it. Re: technology, she is refinancing her house and the bank wanted her to text a photograph of the front and back of her driver's license, and she had no idea how to do this. On the one hand, it's good for me to have a chance to be useful, but I wrestle with a lot of judgment around people who are helpless with these things. It's funny for me to encounter that feeling of superiority. 

I realize she is still awash with grief, and her ways of dealing with it include a lot of irritability. I'm not judging her as much as just observing, and writing it down. I think it's interesting that I see her for like an hour or two every day and it's just rough for me. I feel like I have to brace myself, and then I feel relieved and like I have to decompress when she leaves. I'm such an empathetic person that I can physically feel all of her many emotions in the air, when we are having dinner. 

I've started the project of selling a bunch of her dead husband's electronics on eBay. I've also gotten back into responding to reviewer comments, looking for work, working out, and attempting to take care of myself. Oh yeah, meditating, also. 

Rising into the next best thing to do often feels like an intense exertion, but lately I've been able to tenaciously push through. "What's the last thing you want to do? Do that first," has become a war cry. 

Weird and difficult times.