Inconvenient Me

I'm chafing against moderating, minimizing, putting a face on, or otherwise pretending in order to meet the capabilities and bandwidth of others. I've been working on finding ways to fully express myself and observe legitimate boundaries at the same time. But there are times when I just feel fucking furious and belittled, dismissed and treated like a nuisance or problem rather than a person. The energy between my sister and me is a real flashpoint for this. This dynamic brings up a lot of my past stuff around codependent patterns of walking on eggshells, "earning" the love and affection of others by being "good," or by being "good enough to be worth it," being accused of being "too intense" or "too much" by people and, rather than telling them to fucking fuck the fuck off, trying to equalize my loudness and sand down my rough edges. 

Why does it become a problem *for me* that other people are limited in their ability to meet me where I am? I have often wished I were bolder and had more of a "don't give a fuck" attitude about how others experience me, or in my inner response to a lot of feedback I get. It's a lot easier for me to have compassion for the well being of others and observe boundaries they have set up for that reason. If I start to get the sense that I am being silenced, belittled, seen as inconvenient, or that I cause exasperation, my default reaction is to take that to heart and criticize myself and wonder "what is wrong with me." I know many people who seem to respond in an opposite way, basically by telling whoever it is to fuck the fuck off. Not sure I want to live that way, either, but I'm not comfortable with the older patterns of having my confidence shaken and feeling problematic. 

Realistically, some relationships that are important to me will have terms nearly 100% set by the other person. It's then my decision whether or not I am going to operate within those terms or make a different choice, not in the direction of violating the terms they have clearly set, but more along the lines of removing myself. All relationships have boundaries and non-negotiables, but some have rules and regulations that are entirely or almost entirely in the control of the other person. It's *my decision* whether or not to operate within that scenario. But it is easy for me to think that I might skirt those rules somehow, and my little manipulative weasel brain starts to kick in. Or I become rebellious and resentful, but I refuse to acknowledge this, even to myself. 

The decisions and choices of others are not my problem. This is just the first step of Codependents Anonymous in a nutshell: "We admitted we were powerless over others—that our lives had become unmanageable." The magical thinking that I am the cause of the decisions and choices of others is toxic in at least two ways. One is that it gives rise to a lot of what if thinking. What if I had done this differently? What if I hadn't done that? What if I could magically change in this way and thereby control the decisions and choices of this other person? The other way it's toxic is that it gives rise to self hatred. If I were enough, I would be worth choosing. If I were worth it, I would be paid attention to. If I were interesting enough, sexy enough, funny enough, handsome enough, I would be worth the attention I crave from the person from whom I crave it. That someone has made a different decision or choice by default means I am worthless. It's this combination of manipulative fantasies and a sense of being worthless that brings on a lot of suffering. 

In the face of that suffering, sometimes I am sad and sorrowful, sometimes I'm in a more meditative, detached place, and sometimes I feel a lot of anger. These are aspects of grief and loss that are less romantic and attractive than the softer states of appreciation or sorrow. Resentment, blame, anger, self pity. The best I can do with these responses sometimes is to use anger as a shield, take a look at how I am ripping myself off and letting myself fall down that muddy hill of blame and the illusion of control and manipulation, and protect myself. Anger that moves protectively and that is a spur to action is sometimes the only option I have. 

Yamantaka

I do find myself longing for a time when I am able to be 100% myself and be supported in that by other people. I want to be supportive of that for people I appreciate, as well. I'd say it fairly characterizes the most thrilling experience I've had in spite of my trip through Hades that I felt seen 100%, and admired 100% at the same time. And I felt that same vast appreciation and acceptance of someone else. But, apart from that exchange, it also characterizes my life, it seems for many years now, that I am taken partially and with a filter, and I am only partially appreciative in return. Some would say it is always and necessarily this way, but the other experience of being wide open and feeling mutual endless appreciation and possibility was just as real. It would be easier for me to be "inconvenient" and put a lid on it, were that not the case.