Asking and offering

Variation on the Word Sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping, 
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you, 
sleeping. I would like to sleep 
with you, to enter 
your sleep as its smooth dark wave 
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent 
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves 
with its watery sun & three moons 
towards the cave where you must descend, 
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver 
branch, the small white flower, the one 
word that will protect you 
from the grief at the center 
of your dream, from the grief 
at the center. I would like to follow 
you up the long stairway 
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands 
to where your body lies 
beside me, and you enter 
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.
-Margaret Atwood

I set out 15 days ago to do one of the Refuge Recovery meditations every day, make it a daily practice. Then I noticed that the Refuge Recovery book recommends doing the forgiveness meditation every day for the first year of recovery, or something like that. For a long time. 

So that's what I've been doing- a daily forgiveness meditation. The exercise starts by considering al the ways I have been unskillful and have betrayed, abandoned and otherwise harmed others. The second part of the meditation is entering into all the ways I have been harmed, and offering forgiveness to those who have harmed me. The third segment is encountering al the ways I have betrayed and abandoned myself, and offering myself forgiveness. 

The whole trip has been shifting things in a big way for me. There's been a lot of grief. Resentment, judgment, fear, resistance, anger. And, always, underneath those feelings, grief. In the clear light provided by breathing meditation and open space, it's jarring to recall with such force the ways I have harmed people. It's challenging to offer forgiveness to some, although forgiveness flows easily toward others. But the last segment, reflecting on all the ways I have betrayed and abandoned myself, is the most difficult. 

I have not been willing to forgive myself for a long time. I figured if I just suffered enough I would somehow find peace, eventually. The self hating voices in my head, the critical, judging and mocking voices that I have long carried, have seen to it that I don't get too close to self forgiveness. But this meditation practice is opening that up. 

It's just the leading edge of some deeper work, moving on. It's exposed me to the plain truth that I do not trust myself. I fear that I, myself, will betray me- abandon or otherwise unskillfully sell myself out. It's been the shaky ground of my existence for a long time now, this lack of trust in myself. It's of course tied intimately to codependency. Finding my sense of worth in others. Jumping ship. Maybe it's a function of age, or of misery that I'm tired of, but I want to change that pattern. 

Self forgiveness, trust in oneself, self care. Taking myself seriously, in productive ways- as I wrote on my list of intentions back on New Year's Eve. 

It's Gary Snyder's 89th birthday today.