Inconsolable

console (v.)
"alleviate the grief or mental distress of," 1690s, from French consoler "to comfort, console," from Latin consolari "offer solace, encourage, comfort, cheer," from assimilated form of com-, here probably an intensive prefix (see com-), + solari "to comfort" (see solace). Or perhaps a back-formation from consolation. The Latin word is glossed in Old English by frefran. Related: Consoled; consoling.

A page from Boethius's De Consolatione Philosophiae, a version published in 1480

I had a sudden crash last evening when I made the mistake of looking at the loml's Facebook profile picture. It's a selfie she took while we were in the affair, and it's a beautiful photo of her, and she had indicated at the time that she was thinking of me and looking at me when she took the picture. When I saw it last night, I was immediately consumed with jealousy, doubt, weird fears and anxieties, resentment, hurt feelings, etc. It was one of those strange moments because immediately prior I was feeling fairly sanguine and calm. From okay to fucking wrecked, in one actual second. 

I wish I weren't so emotionally labile these days, but there it is. My naturally sentimental and romantic nature leaves me vulnerable to these things, right down to noticing the tights she's wearing in the picture, which spurred a cascade of memories. I am glad, in general, to be a "sensitive," feeling, tender and romantic person. I enjoy this experience far more often than it immolates me with pain. But the painful moments can be quite severe and absolutely unexpected. 

Flaming heart business

It is beginning to sink in that I may never see her again. That there may well be no future time when it will be possible for us to be together. I had well digested the current break up, but had in the back of my mind provided some consolation by thinking that, perhaps, at some distant time, the possibility of having a real relationship would open up. But I am beginning to let go of that consolation, and that means letting go of all consolation whatsoever. 

Part of this task seems connected to my general sense that she is perfectly well and good without our connection, and in fact relieved and better off without it. I don't fault her that, and sincerely wish with all the mudita I can summon for her highest happiness, but I cannot by any measure say the same, except with regard to being glad I am not waiting, waiting, waiting all the time any more. But for me, even focusing on the ways my general condition improves by the end of the affair, there is truly no consolation in that. I'm fucking heartbroken and feel desolate. It is cutting to think of her being quite content and with no need for consolation, when I think of how miserably discontent and inconsolable I am. But people are different, and feel differently, and I don't have to out-compete her emotional containment and regulation skills or her ability to move on and not be wrecked. 

In light of this, I am often repeating: May (insert her full name here) be well, May (name) be happy, May she be peaceful and at ease, may she be full of loving kindness; and doing the same for her children, her husband, all the people she knows and loves. This quiets the angry and abandoned part of myself that would wish for her to be as miserable without me as I am without her, if it were left to its own devices. 

I think I am mostly working on being gentle and kind with myself and retaining my dignity. My dignity right now is very important, I guess in proportion to all the ways my ego feels battered and deflated. So, how to balance my brittle need to maintain my dignity with the sudden immolating onslaught of terrible feelings (seriously!) cascading from the simple act of seeing a picture of her? 

You might think the best way would be for me to not say anything, to bite my lip and not show any vulnerability. I was of course tempted to do that. Instead, it seemed even more dignified for me to just be honest, but without being super dramatic. I expressed that my feelings were hurt by her using a picture where it used to be her looking at me with love. I asked if she were seeing someone else. I admitted it was really none of my business. I admitted I was jealous. I told her I am still in love with her of course, and having a hard time understanding how not to be. I thanked her for listening. She was kind and answered she has no interest in anyone else now, which was reassuring in the moment. I did not feel that I "lost my shit" and I was heartened as always by her kindness in response to my emotional difficulty, which she practices very well. I have endeavored not to take advantage of that or be overly demanding of her emotional labor because I value it and respect it highly. 

I did take the self protective step of blocking her Facebook timeline, just so I won't be ambushed by pictures of her. I guess it might seem silly to some that simply seeing a photo of her causes all of this agony for me, but it's true. I think part of it is that, for months, all I had of her beyond words was pictures of her face. The imprinting of this kind of love goes deep, into the guts. 

On New Year's day night (?) I drew up a list of areas I would like to show up for this year. I also made a list of toxic, damaging, negative, self-hating behaviors and attitudes and burned those in a fire. The way I framed the list of things to show up for was "Heralding a new experience, I have the intention to practice:"

being gentle and kind with myself, practicing self-compassion
patience
faith a la Julian
Meditation
Being in my body
Taking courage
Taking action
Being feeling, honoring my emotions
Meeting myself, not avoiding myself
Getting out more
Taking care with tasks
Taking myself seriously in productive ways
Letting go
Taking refuge in the present
Performing loving actions toward self and others
Being mindful
Grieving authentically but not wallowing
Remaining vulnerable, soft and open; not indulging in bitterness
Showing up for friends
Letting there be space, sitting quietly in discomfort
Walking in beauty

Yeah, it's an intense and intensive list, but I figure if I keep reminding myself of how I framed it, that is, "having the intention to practice," then I'm okay. Especially if I start with self-compassion, gentleness and kindness toward myself, patience with myself, maintaining my daily meditation practice and cultivating that weird Julian of Norwich insanity of "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." 

I feel inconsolable, factually, but I can at least keep things that are meant to console close at hand.