Something must be done. There's nothing to be done. Something must be done.

My post yesterday was some lazy and fairly shallow and stupid shit, but I'm leaving it up anyway, as a reminder to not be dumb. 

I mean, the concept is okay. My outrage is legit. But it was a poor piece of writing. 

I have a lot of work to do for the PhD so of course I'm writing a blog post. It's okay, it's better than eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's and crying in the shower. Or spending hours on Facebook all the while getting more and more aggravated by how unsatisfying and crazy-making people can be.  

Imagine a hypothetical situation. You are in love with and deeply emotionally attached to someone thousands of miles away. You persist in trying to have a relationship with them via mediated communication. The relationship started online and unfolded via the actual exchange of more than 30,000 messages via Facebook Messenger. There have been wonderful, unforgettable times spent together, every other month or so. But the other person's computer went on the blink, and then they removed messenger from their phone, So the relationship continued to unfold via email, text messaging and phone calls. But then the other person's phone went on the blink and phone calls became frustrating, because they drop in and out, with long silences obliterating what they are saying. And email isn't workable for them really because it involves composing on a phone, which is aggravating. And text messaging isn't the preferred mode for you because it is such a small format. Thoughts are so encapsulated and short. And your own text messaging service is not allowing you to send pics, one of the playful and enjoyable ways you used to communicate with this person. 

Now also imagine that the other person is deeply involved in the intensive daily demands of parenting two beautiful children, running a household and to some degree maintaining an 11 year partnership with the father of the children. And imagine that there is no plan for the future involving you, even though you have made it clear you want a future. You haven't asked for any sort of fast move, disruptive or destructive change, but you do wonder if there is even the intention of the other person changing their life, exiting the 11 year partnership and becoming available. No fruitful conversations exploring these possibilities have been possible for a variety of reasons over the course of nearly a year of being involved. 

Given all of these realities (at least, I believe the facts of the case have been accurately and fairly stated), what is the appropriate emotional response on your part? Let's say you feel anxious, somewhat despairing, confused, occasionally imagine you are dispensable or feel back-burnered or like an afterthought, find yourself wondering why you remain emotionally vulnerable and heavily invested and consistently available and committed under these circumstances. You have also been criticizing and judging your emotional set as being overly dramatic, out of proportion, too attached, codependent or what have you. Quite often, you live with a constant ache of missing this person, wanting to interact with them and finding that text messages sometimes make the loneliness worse, not better. 

But when it is all laid out, aren't sadness, despair, anxiety, doubt and frustration proportional to the situation? Or at least justified. Maybe the emotional experience gets over-heated sometimes, or exaggerated. And it's quite fraught for me, since I am prone to beating the shit out of myself for being "weak" when I am lonely or miss someone. But given the lack of availability, the distance, the lack of a plan or intention for a future and the lack of effective means of communication about any of these things, I guess I would say to a friend of mine who laid all of this out and who was wondering if their emotional life were proportional: "yes, yes I would be feeling those things also. How have the two of you even managed to sustain this for almost a year?" 

It's darkly humorous, in particular, the ways I have tried to ameliorate the probably proportional responses to the situation using recovery and spirituality. Pathologizing normal and "healthy" desires for clarity, commitment and security. Looking for ways to be "comfortable with uncertainty," where those grand Buddhists are all about "all life is uncertain, security is an illusion, let go and be in the moment." That's great and I do honestly think it's a wonderful way to develop. I also think the situation has been very fertile ground for examining my codependent tendencies. 

However, in a larger sense, what if these approaches are merely rationalizations? Excuses for tolerating an increasingly unsustainable, unresolved and painful reality? Or what if both aspects are true. It's valuable to let go and be comfortable with uncertainty, it's valuable to examine one's behavior for the old codependent compulsions *and* it's valuable to take oneself seriously enough to acknowledge that the situation sucks, is painful and may not be a situation one wants to be in anymore under the current terms. 

It's weird how the self help and recovery movements conspire to shame and guilt people for having ordinary feelings of loneliness, sadness, frustration, confusion, anxiety and anger. "Negative emotions," those sunny New Age folks call them. One is tempted to say "I am emotionally unwell" when experiencing these feelings. But what if the situation truly fucking sucks? Would a person not be emotionally unwell if they were pretending to be "fine" and trying to force themselves to be all Buddhist and unattached? To have true equanimity of course is a beautiful thing. I am occasionally able to access it. That wide, expansive feeling of Julian of Norwich. 

versus

But more often than not, a snarl is gathering on the horizon that will not be mollified, meditated away or ignored. What is happening, where are we headed, how can the most mutually supportive, loving and non-destructive choices be made and where's the greatest good for all involved? It has begun to feel like, rather than learning to live in uncertainty, we are perhaps more often avoiding facing, untangling and dealing with reality. No relationship, no matter how strong the love, can live on avoidance for very long, in my opinion. On the other hand, pushing too hard to "figure it out and decide" is trying to get the relationship to live on anxiety, which is also unsustainable. 

The real conundrum is more like: where is the middle way here? How can one proceed cautiously, lovingly, compassionately and carefully in the face of these things? Where is the patience required that is also not merely denial and delay? It goes to some delicate skill. I have traditionally been unskilled in these scenarios. 

What would a skilled person do?