Phoenix

Rising up again out of some of the very low lows of the past weekend. Weird times when all of my sense of worth, self-confidence, optimism, competency and agency burns down. And when that collapse coincides with bizarre fear, paranoia, lack of trust, self pity and what feels like inconsolable loneliness. A fabulously dark wallow of ashes. 

Moonrise in Bahía de Los Angeles, BCN

But I do have tools for working back to being more in the light. 

Sometimes the reversal toward light and hope takes "hard work," but in this case, it happened largely in a flash, soon after I walked into the Sunday night CoDA meeting that is now part of my regular schedule. 

The liturgical ritual at the beginning of this meeting is that the 12 steps, the 12 traditions and the 12 CoDA promises get read, up front. Right away, step 1 is always a powerful reminder of the root of my relationship troubles: "We admitted we were powerless over others--that our lives had become unmanageable." I somehow manage to forget fairly often that much of my suffering comes from trying to have power over others. Trying to get them to love me, trying to manipulate them into not abandoning me, trying to possess them or get reassurance constantly or whatever. It is *always* such a relief to just be reminded of the very fundamental turning point toward relationship recovery-- I am powerless over others. 

Then, when the traditions are read, tradition 3 is a simple, clear reminder also-- "The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships." I definitely have that desire, and it always reminds me by contrast what I am hooked on that is not healthy and not loving. I have some issues with the use of the word "healthy" in general, but in this case, to me, it simply means supportive, proportional and creative. "Loving" in this case, to me, means generous, forgiving, kind and respectful. So I definitely have a desire for supportive, proportional, creative, generous, forgiving, kind and respectful relationships. 

Then the CoDA promises are read out loud. Have I posted these before? No matter. Here they are again. 

"I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions...
 

1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust the guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life."

I do wish promise #4 would be reworded-- "I am aware enough not to repeat my past and to experience freedom in my present relationships," or something like that. The incorrect use of "it" always bothers me. haha. 

But anyway, even by the time these introductory incantations are done, I always feel better. And last Sunday was no exception. I suddenly realized that the root of my crash was not in anything whatsoever that was happening outside of me, but rather, in my being stuck like velcro to ideas of control, safety, predictability, and high stakes. In particular, that burgeoning sense of having a lot at stake is a danger sign for me. It definitely signals that I am far too attached to outcome and that I am projecting like mad. 

And that velcro-like attachment starts to spread like a toxic spill, and hooks onto everything in my life-- and then I feel desperately out of control. There's a whole universe of difference between feeling out of control and admitting powerlessness. Maybe I'll write about that sometime. 

Anyway, by the time I got home on Sunday I had let go of the entire mess and was buoyant, hopeful and serene again. This is the power of recovery for me. A simple solution to what feels like an unsolvable "problem."

The home group in AA last night was no exception. The topic proposed by this month's chair, after a thoughtful and meditative opening pitch, was step 10. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." This became very important to me this week.

I had scheduled a committee meeting about 6 weeks ago for this coming Friday. My chair emailed on Monday, after I had sent out a reminder, that he had scheduled a thesis defense for one of his other students at the same time as my scheduled committee meeting. No apology, nothing-- just a one sentence email asking if I would reschedule. Of course, I took it personally, was angry and frustrated and felt put upon, all at once. 

But now I am more capable of watching all of those ego-related feelings go by and not acting on them. I was sorely tempted to make a fuss, to stand my ground, to complain. The fantasy of quitting the PhD program even crossed my mind, as did the idea of firing my committee chair. All of these outrages and impulses flooded into me. I felt ignored, devalued, kicked to the curb, etc. 

I didn't act out at all, however. I remembered step 10 and realized that, if I expressed any of this to my committee chair I would definitely have to go back and mend the relationship or that I might even permanently damage it. The weird thing about grad school is one is completely dependent on one's committee but they can absolutely do without you. It's just the way it works. It's humbling for sure. 

So instead of ineffective and damaging acting out, I just got started on rescheduling the committee meeting. I also realized that the upside was that I now had more time to prepare. After not very much trouble, the meeting was rescheduled for 10 days after the original date, in a better room, at a better time. 

And I owed no one any apologies and did nothing wrong. 

So-- am I grateful for 12 step recovery? Incredibly grateful. A great many self-sabotaging, destructive and ineffective behaviors have been eliminated or at least greatly reduced in recovery. This is a source of great hope and peace of mind for me, even while my own perspectives can be so delusional and distorted.