I have had a very different experience on this summer road trip from the experience I had last year. Last year's trip emerged out of a few months of severe emotional pain and a feeling of constriction and imprisonment. Everything along the way presented as pleasant, an escape, liberation and a new experience. Exploring Nashville, for example, a city I never thought held anything of interest for me, but that ended up being spectacular. Encountering the loml and falling in love along the way. Returning back to Hades recharged and inspired.
This trip has been onerous. The downside of travels in minor ways, weird irritations and disappointments. Fortunately, nothing serious. But, for example, there has been something unpleasant about almost every place I have stayed. I got very lucky last year, I guess, as I felt great about most of my lodging. This time, hotel rooms have been disappointing for a wide variety of reasons. My current room at the Kahler Grand Hotel in Rochester, for example, features a dysfunctional air conditioner, a running toilet and an outrageous amount of hallway and neighbor noise. Bah. And I'm stuck here for five more nights, due to the conference I am attending.
Beyond these minor inconveniences, I have also been wrestling with all of the emotions associated with visiting aging and ill family. I'll not go into the details here, but suffice it to say that I have been saddened and darkly moved by each stage of those visits. My own aging has become more apparent to me also, including facing what could be a very serious health issue of my own. Combined with these visits, I've been anxious about many different things. The feeling of adventure, escape and liberation that colored last year's trip has been more of a feeling of not being able to escape my own demons, this time. External circumstances are not offering a door out.
No matter where I've gone, there, indeed, I have been.
It's okay though, as, in spite of our obsession for AGAIN, for repeating the pleasant or enjoyable, AGAIN is never. Everything is different each time, at all times. If last year's trip had been shitty and awful, then I would be feeling great about this year's trip, right? A mark of the quest for AGAIN: reserving two Airbnb's where I stayed before, visiting the loml in her city. Ghosts are difficult to encounter, but when they are ghosts of oneself, it's especially surreal.
Perspective is all. My own tendency to Eeyore my way through life means I often focus on what is not, or cannot be, or falls short, or disappoints. If I turn and look at what is, what is possible, what is satisfying exactly as is, I fare better. The dreary Five of Cups from the tarot is a good example. If the grieving figure only turns around, he or she would note there are still two cups standing.
Reality is a bastard.
I'll also observe in a general way that the Northeast and the corridor from there to the Midwest is a fucked up tangle of bullshit. I had forgotten how aggravating and dangerous it feels to travel the Pennsylvania Turnpike, for example, which also cost me $41.10. And how typical of stupid ass Pennsylvania that the toll includes that pinche ten cents. What is wrong with people? Google maps had me on toll roads through Ohio and Illinois also, and the irony is that the roads suck. The roads that are maintained by tax money are in better shape. Go socialism. And the bypass around Chicago featured a very close call to what could have been a terrible accident, mostly because a whole lot of people drive like fucking shit for brains death wish morons.
Pleasant surprises on the trip: Henry's Salt of the Sea in Allentown and the delightful waitress who was total East Coast and who also was a waitress at Wert's Cafe. The unrelenting peace and beauty of the Ten Mile River. Hours of pleasant conversation with my 86 and 85 year old parents. The incredible situation in which an old best friend has landed with the love of his life, on a rural working hay farm in beautiful Western Joisey. Seeing the Opuntia humifusa of New Jersey and having a guy stop and say "No one believes me when I talk about the Jersey Cactus! I have a whole front yard of em!" The surprising soft beauty of Wisconsin. Finished and polished presentation for the conference. Feeling even more impressed and in love with the loml's city. Three incredible days with her. Oddly alleviated symptoms of my potentially serious health issue. A working rental car, excellent road music, safe travels.
Pluto may well scoff at my strenuous efforts to recover those two cups.
